Sweet Nectar of Life

Well, you all know it's coming so this shouldn't be a surprise. Society as we know it will end and all that will remain are villages of people fighting each other for the ever-dwindling supplies in abandoned grocery stores. In this dystopian world, money and power won't save you; dollar bills will only be good to burn for heat and survivors will only know you by your skills. People will have to make their own clothes, grow their own food, do their own dental fillings. Billions of people will die. In this grim future, we must answer the final question! - How will you pay for haircuts? The central world bank/government/theme park (ie: The Man) will have control over all the boring old currencies, and the internet, and your access to clean power. So obviously you need crypto. Now I know what you are thinking, and you are probably right. But let's just forget that for now. Let's instead take comfort in the knowledge that nerds from the Magical Crypto Conference have it ...

     So after finding sweet sweet freedom, I got chosen by the Facebook ad algorithm to click on the  All of Us  link. Right out the gate, it sounded like a cult, they get full access to my life and body; I get a token prize. And they offered amazing sounding perks to sucker me in. As always, you are welcome  All of Us  for the massive bump in signs ups you will get from my blog followers, I am not a sell-out and will not accept the bonus and % kickback, no matter how hard you try to give it to me.       All of Us  is a huge study that will stalk people for 10 years and harvest all the sensitive data about their lives and overanalyze it to predict the future; cult, right? And to really drive home the culty vibes,  All of Us  promises things, shiny things, things you want, things you think you can't possibly live without, things you wouldn't buy for yourself but secretly put in your Amazon cart every week thinking this...

    Fitness has always been "all the rage" but, for reasons, no one can express, each generation feels the need to pretend they reinvented it. They embrace some strange facet of exercise as if everyone before them were just ignorant lazy slobs. Because of their new break throughs, the peak of human performance is now truly obtainable. Fitness trackers are my generation's attempt at reinventing the wheel and trust me, it's just as strange and pointless as all the trends before it - Jazzercize, Ephedra, Spandex, Thigh Master, etc.      Do you Fitbit? Think way back to before you got an apple watch; there was this super primitive activity tracker called a Fitbit. Now being a hipster, you are called upon to embrace retro trends, especially in fashion and technology. You do this to define yourself as a member of the counter culture and to show the world that while you are loaded enough to buy a gold-plated Apple watch, you chose to instead wear a Fitbit dug out of th...

If you are going to be from Portland, you have to have a Portland address. So I decided I was done living in “Not Portland” and needed to buy yet another house. This time I didn't want something tiny. It might be all the rage but I have many kids and am not ready for that level of Portland yet. I also didn't want something gauche, I wanted to host backyard BBQs and game nights. I also decided against anything too opulent, I might be a wealthy blogger but I also pride myself on being accessible and relatable to the common man/woman. I don’t want to slap my common friends in the face with a mansion in Forest Park or Southwest Hills. Have to stop getting my house on the front page of the paper. To really be from Portland, I’m told you needed to live on the Eastside; where true Portalders live. I picked NE Portland for its mid-range cost and ease of access to downtown. It’s screamed common man as I drove past gravel driveways, brown lawns, and burnt-out cars. The hunt began. A self...

I love coffee and the last time I got some, it was amazing. I assume the next time will also be amazing. But, this blind faith in coffee can lull you into a false scene of stability. For example, It was a typical day, sun shining, air clear. I zipped up my coat and slipped on my favorite pair of white Jordan Air 1 OGs with university red accents. Pulling the door securely closed behind me, I left the house with an exciting spring in my step. The car chipped happily back to me as I climbed in. The engine blinked to life without a sound and a choir of angels sang as I pulled out into light traffic. It was only 3 miles between me and coffee. One red light, a right, a right, a left followed by a quick right, snake through the parking lot and pull into a not great but not horrible spot. At least I didn’t have to pay for it. As I walked into the shop, I was backhanded by the smell of a Kenyan roast; I love this place because for days after every visit people can smell the aroma of co...

In the land of "keep it weird"- it should come as no surprise that not only do people love sitting on Instagram but so do their pets. Hailing from Montana and having a whopping 328 followers, I felt like I was doing OK. I mean, I am not a famous actor or brand account, but it turns out, there are dogs with more followers and active engagement than me! That kind of hurt. I am, however, 1000% confident if I stuck an avocado on my head I would not get 75k followers - I would probably get banned. I know you followed the link and found that I'm not lying... But you may say this is a one-off, not every dog has an Instagram... wrong!!! There are thousands of them out there,  here is a Beagle's account that's only a few months old with a mere 5 pictures - yes FIVE!!! - and he has more followers than me!! Pets have taken over Instagram to the point where accounts for animals now outperform verified humans. It's Animal Farm out there people. The pets are infl...

I read "Shoe Dog" so now I am an expert on Nike and all the other brands that are trying to be them. The coolest part is Portland was the major pivot point in their succession, I assume they reign supreme because Nike is so cool and awesome and better. At some point, I'll have to find the Shoe Dog Adidas book. I'm sure it's an amazing story of how greed and corruption lead to their ultimate demise to superstar underdog Nike, I mean Puma is already a skeleton in the closet... SO Nike is king in Portland. And don't worry that I jumped to an overtly biased conclusion with little evidence, it's all the rage right now among news reporters, millennial bloggers, opinion columnists, politicians, and people holding Master's degrees in French Polynesian Art. Shoes have strange prestige in Portland. Nike makes a few thousand pairs of these special shoes a few times a year and 180 million people want them on drop day. Anyone that cops a limited edition pair of...