The Cult of Fitbit

    Fitness has always been "all the rage" but, for reasons, no one can express, each generation feels the need to pretend they reinvented it. They embrace some strange facet of exercise as if everyone before them were just ignorant lazy slobs. Because of their new break throughs, the peak of human performance is now truly obtainable. Fitness trackers are my generation's attempt at reinventing the wheel and trust me, it's just as strange and pointless as all the trends before it - Jazzercize, Ephedra, Spandex, Thigh Master, etc.

    Do you Fitbit? Think way back to before you got an apple watch; there was this super primitive activity tracker called a Fitbit. Now being a hipster, you are called upon to embrace retro trends, especially in fashion and technology. You do this to define yourself as a member of the counter culture and to show the world that while you are loaded enough to buy a gold-plated Apple watch, you chose to instead wear a Fitbit dug out of the dumpster.

    Portland is a strange place for fitness. You have Nike people out shooting hoops, Adidas people playing football (soccer), lululemon people stretching in the park, "insert cycling brand here" people riding their bikes downtown with a death wish, and everything in between. Along this spectrum of fitness, you find something each of these weirdos is starting to have in common - a Fitbit.

    Coming from Montana, Fitbits were as rare as new cars; them city folk were laughed out of town. But as soon as I moved to Portland I was pushed to Fitbit. Everywhere I went people were showing off their Fitbit and bragging about the stupid number of stairs they climbed in 28,000 seconds. They looked cool and happy.

    So I get one of these Fitbit things from the hottest shop in town...Goodwill. It's the Fitbit Blaze. I mean this thing is lit. It counted my steps, my stairs, my heartbeats, my food eating, my hand lifts to scratch my face; it was always on, watching, monitoring, collecting data. And that's when the veil was lifted and I was welcomed to join the Cult of Fitbit as a full-blood member. I quickly learned that anyone can obsess over their stats if given the chance. I tried to work harder, walk farther, sleep longer, itch my face less often. I got cool friends and started walking competitions. 

    Unfortunately, there were some drawbacks. Of all the issues I ran into, I will overtly fixate on the one that decided my final fate. This issue, a fatal flaw you might say? It didn't like when I dropped it. I mean it was my fault, but the Fitbit should take it. Something deep inside me broke and so did the Fitbit. The screen like my soul went dark, then got stuck on scattered unreadable colors. As a proper cult member, I was socially obligated to get a replacement that day. I skipped the Goodwill (and didn't think anything of it) and bought it from eBay. I figured that it would be fine, it was still a used Fitbit and I did buy it from a personal seller, not some sell-out robot store drop shipping from China. But everything was not fine.

        The cult leaders must have found out, I don't know how. Buying out of town was a big deal, in my haste to get a new Fitbit to fulfill Rule 32 "Blessed be the Fitbit user that does not lapse in their ownership of a Fitbit; be it from a mishap or natural device death. Do not let the sun go down on your lack of ownership" and I overlooked Rule 81 "Cursed be the Fitbit user that withholds their cash from the shops small. Double cured are the Fitbits bought used online". My illegitimate new to me Fitbit Blaze was cursed. After 5 weeks, the battery life dropped to a few minutes and the unit wouldn't charge. As the unit died it started smelling funny and getting too hot to wear. One day when charging, the screen started flashing a heat warning. This, I would soon learn, was my only warning. I had to make this right before my house burned down.

    As I came clean, I knew the Cult of Fitbit would shun me. The only means of escape from their total retribution was to sacrifice my elicit FitBit to the Big Stores. As I presented my blood offering to the Alter of Best Buy E-Waste, I could feel protection and love fading from my life. Although I escaped total retribution, I was an outsider once again. Like a man with a memory in color that could now only see gray. I felt the loss so deeply.

    The world was a different place. My friend left me. I couldn't prove I was superior to anyone. I lost all sense of purpose. I clung desperately to the hope that I would be welcomed back if I activated Mobile Track. But with each week passing, I sunk further and further behind my old friend. I didn't know if I was getting zone minutes. I couldn't tell how long I had slept. I longed to know the number of flights of stairs I walked down that day. App-only tracking wasn't approved by the Cult. Rule 8 "Mobile Track shall be a stumbling block to those that mock you. To them that do not have a dedicated Fitbit device shall all blessing be withheld". They could not allow me to feel happiness and joy from Fitbit the way I longed for. Mobile Track was there to punish me, keep love just out of reach. I had to give it all up. I deleted the app. I was completely and totally alone.

    This story has a happy ending, as any self-aggrandizing blogger can attest, it must be all about me and end well for me. I mean, I work less than you and just bought a boat for my house on the French Riviera. So...

Enter Costco.

    Having given up the Cult, Costco was more than happy to step in as a replacement. They offered a stunning new Fitbit for half the cost of other stores. They had no rules or requirements to give blood or avoid stores run by The Man, like the other cult. After living in darkness for 5 months, I got a Fitbit Charge 4. I felt empowered. I got the bonus warranty too that covers stupid people's accidents for 2 years. Life has color and sound again. My old friend even came back and let me win a step challenge every now and again. Join me, we can be Fitbit friends. We'll share inside jokes, humblebrags, and challenge each other to better health (although I will defiantly destroy you in step challenges)