So after finding sweet sweet freedom, I got chosen by the Facebook ad algorithm to click on the All of Us link. Right out the gate, it sounded like a cult, they get full access to my life and body; I get a token prize. And they offered amazing sounding perks to sucker me in. As always, you are welcome All of Us for the massive bump in signs ups you will get from my blog followers, I am not a sell-out and will not accept the bonus and % kickback, no matter how hard you try to give it to me.
All of Us is a huge study that will stalk people for 10 years and harvest all the sensitive data about their lives and overanalyze it to predict the future; cult, right? And to really drive home the culty vibes, All of Us promises things, shiny things, things you want, things you think you can't possibly live without, things you wouldn't buy for yourself but secretly put in your Amazon cart every week thinking this time will be your time and you will finally commit. Yes, All of Us gave me a Fitbit.
You know I was there faster than the website could load. I mean it's a no-brainer, 10 years of my personal data in exchange for a free Fitbit?! Google and Facebook haven't paid me anything for my last 15 years of data, so of course, I'm itching for some kickbacks. No, I'm not selling out, I'm investing in myself. And yea, the icing on the cake All of Us gets my DNA and will tell me about what they find for free. They promised to not clone me, they sound sincere. They will find out what I might die from and where my great great great aunt's neighbor was born. I committed to giving All of Us open rights to all my health data and promised to wear my shiny new Fitbit for at least one year; like that would be hard.
I only hope word of my new cult doesn't affect my standing with my other cults, they tend to be pretty possessive.