Sweet Nectar of Life

There has been much debate for the last few centuries over how to eat string cheese. I have dedicated the last year of my life to empirically proving the best way. Below is the final draft of my research paper, but spoiler alert, the title gives it away. An Empirical Examination of the Superiority of Biting as a String Cheese Consumption Method Jonathan, et al   Abstract      This research paper presents a comprehensive analysis of the various methods of consuming string cheese, with a particular focus on the biting method. String cheese, a popular dairy snack known for its elongated form and stringy texture, has sparked debates among enthusiasts regarding the optimal method of consumption. Through a series of controlled experiments and sensory evaluations, this study provides evidence that biting string cheese is indeed the superior way to enjoy this delectable treat. Our findings shed light on the sensory experience, efficiency, and psychological satisfaction associated with biting,

Once upon a time, there was a boy who dreamed of building his very own treehouse. It was going to be big, with a hidden door, epic deck, and mini-fridge filled to the max with Mountain Dew Live Wire. This old repressed memory surfaced one night as I sat around trying to figure out how to spend my immense blogger wealth.  Looking out over my immaculate grounds, I realized two things. I needed a treehouse fort and I don’t have a tree. But it's fine, money fixes anything.  Naturally, the most overkill option was an engineer, they solve impossible problems all the time. After only one day they had an eloquent solution for how to build a treehouse without a tree... Make a house on a platform and plant a tree next to it. Boom, I paid him and broke ground the next day. Building a treehouse is unfortunately not as easy as becoming a wealthy blogger, but to fulfill my dream I had to do it myself. I quickly came to see the limits of my building knowledge. So with 4ft holes in the ground, I t

Well my amazing subscribers, you are in for a real treat. I’ve been making important changes to my home, DIY changes. With my infinite wisdom as a formidable sage of all knowledge, I will guide you through how you too can improve the world around you just as I have. Now that I own the home of the commoner, I see many things that make this pedestrian house barely livable. Imagine you are walking into a room when you are suddenly enveloped by darkness. Fumbling around, not knowing what way is up or down, or if you are about step over the precipice of a great abyss. It is this that threatens my existence, and this threat is in my very kitchen, lurking, under the cabinets. Can you even imagine being neck-deep in preparing Consommé and you can't even see the spoon? This was my reality. The best part is that I will share the solution with you, my reader. You will benefit from the hours and hours of my research, the sleepless nights of designing and redesigning, the days and days of medit

Well, you all know it's coming so this shouldn't be a surprise. Society as we know it will end and all that will remain are villages of people fighting each other for the ever-dwindling supplies in abandoned grocery stores. In this dystopian world, money and power won't save you; dollar bills will only be good to burn for heat and survivors will only know you by your skills. People will have to make their own clothes, grow their own food, do their own dental fillings. Billions of people will die. In this grim future, we must answer the final question! - How will you pay for haircuts? The central world bank/government/theme park (ie: The Man) will have control over all the boring old currencies, and the internet, and your access to clean power. So obviously you need crypto. Now I know what you are thinking, and you are probably right. But let's just forget that for now. Let's instead take comfort in the knowledge that nerds from the Magical Crypto Conference have it

     So after finding sweet sweet freedom, I got chosen by the Facebook ad algorithm to click on the  All of Us  link. Right out the gate, it sounded like a cult, they get full access to my life and body; I get a token prize. And they offered amazing sounding perks to sucker me in. As always, you are welcome  All of Us  for the massive bump in signs ups you will get from my blog followers, I am not a sell-out and will not accept the bonus and % kickback, no matter how hard you try to give it to me.       All of Us  is a huge study that will stalk people for 10 years and harvest all the sensitive data about their lives and overanalyze it to predict the future; cult, right? And to really drive home the culty vibes,  All of Us  promises things, shiny things, things you want, things you think you can't possibly live without, things you wouldn't buy for yourself but secretly put in your Amazon cart every week thinking this time will be your time and you will finally commit. Yes,  Al

    Fitness has always been "all the rage" but, for reasons, no one can express, each generation feels the need to pretend they reinvented it. They embrace some strange facet of exercise as if everyone before them were just ignorant lazy slobs. Because of their new break throughs, the peak of human performance is now truly obtainable. Fitness trackers are my generation's attempt at reinventing the wheel and trust me, it's just as strange and pointless as all the trends before it - Jazzercize, Ephedra, Spandex, Thigh Master, etc.      Do you Fitbit? Think way back to before you got an apple watch; there was this super primitive activity tracker called a Fitbit. Now being a hipster, you are called upon to embrace retro trends, especially in fashion and technology. You do this to define yourself as a member of the counter culture and to show the world that while you are loaded enough to buy a gold-plated Apple watch, you chose to instead wear a Fitbit dug out of the dump