Sweet Nectar of Life

I come from Billings, MT, it takes 20 min to drive 30 miles. There are bad drivers in Montana but when there are barely 100k it's hard to get them all on the road at once. Portland, however; OMG, 70mph in a 50mph is "the flow", people will ride your tail for a mile just to speed around you and exit. Distracted / reckless driving is rampant, pedestrians are daredevils, and my insurance doubled just moving here. I don't know how a hipster is supposed to drive but I'm not going to be trying to flip the 78 on the Crosby Norman while driving, combing my beard, drinking coffee, and texting. There are a few things that get under my skin more than anything. Speeding: see also big oil needs all my money and the earth can die. For those of you that are so rich that gas costs (or in many cases electric bills for your Tesla charger) don't matter, you can skip to the part where your risk of death goes up and you are killing the earth. For everyone else - set your...

Portland is known for many things but none is more notable than crunchy hipsters. They love organic, upcycle everything from napkins to soup cans, and drive hybrids. SO obviously I have to get one too. Portlanders have a fierce and vocal sense of national pride and determination for improving the world around them. If I am to integrate, I have to buy a hybrid that was made in the good o' US of A - a Honda Accord Hybrid. I know. Tesla. But I have only been blogging for a few weeks and don't have that kind of money yet. I could wait a few more days until my blog is really big time and someone gets it for me from my Amazon Wish List, but I can't wait. I needed instant gratification. Prius was too small, not to mention I have blind brand loyalty to Honda. The first and most important part of car shopping is picking the color; you have to look at this expensive machine every day for years to come. The color with define your life and personality, even your driving style. I ha...

SNOWMAGEDDON 2019 (it's important to note the year because Portland will have another one in a few years, like clockwork) Snowmageddon or snowpocalypse, unlike it sounds, has little to do with (depending on your level of knowledge or understanding and specific beliefs) of the end times from the Christian perspective. The best I can tell, it is snowfall (real or predicted) that literally closes all or part of Portland, OR. And I mean snowfall of no more than a few inches, depending on where you live. Hold on to the last statement as it becomes the only thing from this blog post you need to remember. To start, the name is humorous for a couple of reasons, the biggest reason is "apocalypse" in the modern definition is - the complete final destruction of the world. So we could only ever have one, ever... like we would all be dead and gone and there would literally be no world left to have seen another apocalyptic snowstorm.   Another reason I laugh is: "h ey Google...

To all of my avid blog readers, sorry for my absence. Your hearts will hopefully heal from the gaping hole that my blog's inactivity has left in your lives. You are also dying to know what I have been doing for the last three years, so... I moved to Portland Well there you go, you are caught up. But I can't stop now because I live in Portland. It is my duty to do the Portland things - like wearing $500 Nikes once to go shopping for a Prius then walking out in the rain without a coat or umbrella in said Nikes, turning my nose up at Stumptown because they sold out to "the man", joining demonstrations downtown to yell at injustice, roasting my own hand-picked single-origin coffee beans and of course blogging. Now blogging is a time-honored tradition of those hardly working, traveling the world, and looking hot while avoiding a real-life - and somehow still having more money than you. Some people WordPress others vlog, but true to my Portland motherland, I use t...

Now that my official sugar and coffee hiatus (always separate NEVER mixed) is over, I feel great. This is partly due to having awesome friends that surprised me with birthday coffee and jelly doughnuts to celebrate my latest year of existence and the end of my 10-day detox. It was so special to get sugar from my dear friends. I have to say, it was one of the most amazing doughnuts I have ever had. The strange part was, as I sat eating my strawberry jam-filled doughnut, that it was pleasantly satisfying. I enjoyed the doughnut, I did not crave it. I got to eat it because it was something special. I also chose not to eat 6 more doughnuts while still sitting there; to ensure I did not ruin the specialness with nausea and vomiting. Waiting makes doughnuts taste better, but don't take my word for it - try it. Don't eat sugar for ten days and see how awesome doughnuts can be.

Tomorrow is the last day of my sugarless coffeeless 10day existence and I wanted to reflect on everything that I had to endure. If you are debating improving your health with a no-sugar fast let me tell you about all the downsides. 1) I was plagued by sleep I slept better, fell asleep faster, slept all night harder (and woke up stronger?) On days I worked, I squeak out 10hrs of sleep between shifts (I had not been able to do this for a couple months due to insomnia). On my days off I could get 11-12hrs. The first couple of nights were not so good, I would wake up a lot through the night; my body did not like going to sleep and wanted to stay up with coffee and a box of doughnuts. 2) I was cursed with tasty meals. I had to eat vegetables and fruits in all shapes and colors, salads, chocolate protein shakes, handmade pizzas, cheesecakes, casseroles, chips and dips, sodas, candy - all with no added sugar, no artificial sweeteners, and within the guidelines of health as dictate...

When you add sugar to everything You feel so awesome you could stay up all night and party ~ When you stay up all night and party You feel miserable in the morning ~ When you feel miserable in the morning You eat candy instead of breakfast ~ When y ou eat candy instead of breakfast You impulse buy a vaccine because it has green buttons ~ When  impulse-buy a vaccine because it has green buttons You justify it by spending all your time vacuuming everything ~ When you spend all your time vacuuming everything You neglect your house and your wife gets upset ~ Don't upset your wife Dump sugar