SNOWMAGEDDON 2019 (it's important to note the year because Portland will have another one in a few years, like clockwork)
Snowmageddon or snowpocalypse, unlike it sounds, has little to do with (depending on your level of knowledge or understanding and specific beliefs) of the end times from the Christian perspective. The best I can tell, it is snowfall (real or predicted) that literally closes all or part of Portland, OR. And I mean snowfall of no more than a few inches, depending on where you live. Hold on to the last statement as it becomes the only thing from this blog post you need to remember.
To start, the name is humorous for a couple of reasons, the biggest reason is "apocalypse" in the modern definition is - the complete final destruction of the world. So we could only ever have one, ever... like we would all be dead and gone and there would literally be no world left to have seen another apocalyptic snowstorm.
This definition is not even a little applicable to snowfall. But while snowpocalypse has its issues, don't even get me started on snowmageddon.
Since we had a snow "apocalypse" in 2017, somebody is lying or just likes to way over exaggerate the level of destruction left by that storm. I mean, these events affect real people, we can't just go labeling things, it's 2019 y'all. As best I can tell, there are multiple implied contextual meanings to these catchy hashtags that are beyond the grasp of my newbie status here in Portland.
There are no classes for winter readiness in Portland schools. The proof is, that as the "worst storm of the century" approached, people were clearing shelves of fresh produce, frozen pizzas, and of course booze. Stores hadn't seen alcohol sales that good since Oregon legalized pot. There aren't any obvious pitfalls to trying to stay alive while only drinking beer and vodka, so let's talk frozen food. Now my dear people of Portland, stop and think. If this is going to be as bad as you think, how will drunk you deal with black rock-hard bananas and raw frozen pizzas without a way to power your microwave?
Having done some record-breaking winters in a couple of Montana cities, I know that records are not to be messed with. I also know that the issue is more in the mind than in the supply cupboards. When those in Portland tell you this is "the worst storm ever!" you should also hear the unspoken "I have no idea what will happen so I will default to assuming the worst possible outcomes and spread my angst as fear-mongering and panic-stricken mass purchasing of everything that seems to even remotely resemble I know what I'm doing and am ready".
SO, if you ever find yourself in the winter, in the wrong part of Portland, feeling the sense of impending doom from yet another snowmageddon - stay home, don't hoard kale, and only panic if you are faced with drinking instant coffee because your pour-over kettle won't turn on.
To start, the name is humorous for a couple of reasons, the biggest reason is "apocalypse" in the modern definition is - the complete final destruction of the world. So we could only ever have one, ever... like we would all be dead and gone and there would literally be no world left to have seen another apocalyptic snowstorm.
Another reason I laugh is: "hey Google, define apocalypse" - "Old English, via Old French and ecclesiastical Latin from Greek apokalupsis, from apokaluptein ‘uncover, reveal’, from apo- ‘un-’ + kaluptein ‘to cover’."
This definition is not even a little applicable to snowfall. But while snowpocalypse has its issues, don't even get me started on snowmageddon.
Since we had a snow "apocalypse" in 2017, somebody is lying or just likes to way over exaggerate the level of destruction left by that storm. I mean, these events affect real people, we can't just go labeling things, it's 2019 y'all. As best I can tell, there are multiple implied contextual meanings to these catchy hashtags that are beyond the grasp of my newbie status here in Portland.
Having done some record-breaking winters in a couple of Montana cities, I know that records are not to be messed with. I also know that the issue is more in the mind than in the supply cupboards. When those in Portland tell you this is "the worst storm ever!" you should also hear the unspoken "I have no idea what will happen so I will default to assuming the worst possible outcomes and spread my angst as fear-mongering and panic-stricken mass purchasing of everything that seems to even remotely resemble I know what I'm doing and am ready".
The thought you were supposed to hold on to from the beginning can actually be used to define the only rule of surviving a snowmageddon - location, location, beer. Last week while parts of Portland were trying to cook frozen pizzas on open garbage fires in their living rooms, looting of grocery store produce racks and gas station ice coolers was rampant, and the only good currency was high-proof liquor, I was 10 miles away in sunny Hillsboro. The sun was shining, kids were running through the open fields, and the liquor store still had Hapsburg Gold Label Premium Reserve Absinthe.
